Distancing From a Parent During Their Separation

When blame and guilt come with the distance

Distancing yourself from a parent is hard on its own. Doing it while your parents are separating is harder, because your distance can be read as an attack instead of self-protection.

If that's where you are, this is for you.

When the boundary and the breakup collide

Perhaps you had already decided you needed distance. You were midway through setting limits: shorter calls, fewer visits, no more being the sounding board for their criticism. Then your parents seperate, and the timing made everything messier.

Now one parent believes you are the reason they are apart. Your boundaries become “taking sides,” and you get the blame for the marriage ending. Meanwhile the other parent, who may be relieved that it is over, just wants everyone to move on.. If you stay close, you absorb more of the mistreatment. If you step back, you get accused of causing the damage.

When a parent needs you to be the cause, it usually protects them from owning their part in the ending of the marriage. It gives them someone to be angry at who isn’t the person they’re really grieving. You can decline the role that they've assigned you. For some people, declining that role and distancing themselves comes easily. Others feel guilty about their decision, and that guilt is real.

Guilt and distance

Feeling guilt is not proof that you’re doing something wrong. Many people feel it when they pull back from a parent, whatever the reason. Part of what makes it hard is that you are choosing it. You recognize the relationship is unhealthy, and you are putting your needs first.

Guilt can show up in small ways. You replay a conversation and wonder if you were too harsh. You pick up the phone to smooth things over, even though nothing has changed. You feel relief after setting a limit, and then you feel bad about feeling relieved.

Often, it comes with grief. You may be mourning the family as it was, or the parent you wished you had. Sadness can feel a lot like guilt, so it’s worth asking yourself which one you’re feeling.

Where this leaves you

Your parents’ separation doesn’t change your right to set limits. You can care about a parent, feel for what they’re going through, and keep your distance. You're allowed to put your needs first. The guilt may come along for a while. Feeling guilty doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice. It can mean the relationship matters to you, and at the same time, distancing yourself can be hard.

If you are struggling setting boundaries with a parent know you're not alone. There is support for you.